Healthy, Unhealthy, and Abusive Relationships

You and your partner:

• Talk about feelings, speak to personal experiences and empathize with a partner’s experience.
• Respect and listen to each other, despite any differences.
• Talk respectfully to each other when there are disagreements without fear of how the other person will react/escalate. 
• Have open, honest, and purposeful conversation about intimacy, physical affection, and sex.
• Respect and uphold the boundaries our partner sets. 
• Trust and support each other to spend time with others they care about.
• You enjoy spending time together but can be happy apart.
• Can be economic/financial partners in a way that is comfortable for both of you. (I buy the movie tickets and you get the popcorn!)

Key words: mutual respect, trust, good communication, honest, equality

Your partner:

• Always has to be the one who makes decisions and does not listen to your input.
• Disregards your perspective and feelings.
• Lies to you about who they are with.
• Uses hurtful words during an argument.
• Pressures you into intimate or sexual activity.
• Makes you feel like you should only spend time with them.

Key words: communication breakdown, disrespectful, pressure, dishonest, overbearing, jealous

If you’re noticing unhealthy behaviors, have an open, honest conversation about the things that are bothering you. Ask them for their help in finding a solution that works for the both of you.If you are afraid of how they will react toward you (including any physical violence), consider reviewing if the relationship may be abusive.  

IF SOMEONE WITH WHOM YOU HAVE A RELATIONSHIP IS DISPLAYING UNHEALTHY BEHAVIORS ASK YOURSELF:

• Are they open to talking about how their behaviors make me feel?
• Do they accept responsibility and acknowledge their behavior was unhealthy and unacceptable?
• Are they more receptive to my opinions and activities than before?
• Are they making lasting changes?

If you can answer, "yes," to all of these questions. It’s likely that your relationship is facing some of the typical conflict. If you answer, "no," or are unsure, that is a warning sign that things may be more serious and potentially abusive.

YOUR PARTNER:

• Says that they can’t live without you and threatens to do something drastic (like hurt or kill themselves) if you end the relationship
• Tries to keep you from seeing your friends or family, maybe even from going to class. They might get angry or jealous when you spend time without them, guilt trip you into canceling plans, or try to convince you that your other relationships don’t matter. You and your partner spend almost all your time together, and you feel guilty when you’re apart.
• Physically or sexually touches you against your will or hurts you in any way
• Verbally degrades or intimidates you
• Threatens to hurt you or a pet, or to destroy something you own. They may also threaten to spread a rumor, tell a secret, or share nude or sexual photos or videos.  You may feel afraid, or like they’ll ruin your life if you don’t do what they say. In queer relationships, this might mean threatening to out you as LGBTQIA+ to friends or family.
• Tells you not to talk to anyone about the abusive behavior; threatens to hurt you and/or anyone you reach out to for help
• Reads your text messages, emails, or social media messages without permission
• Attempts to control what you wear, where you go, or who you see
• Demonstrates extreme jealousy and/or checks in on you frequently
• Has extreme mood swings, acting angry one minute and sweet the next
• Tries to control your social media, like who you can be friends or follow
• Blames you for their problems

YOU:

• Feel like you’re walking on eggshells around your partner, and the smallest thing can set them off
• Feel afraid to not respond to a text message or call from your partner
• Hide bruises or injuries your partner inflicted
• Feel you have to constantly apologize for your partner’s behavior
• Regularly avoid or make excuses to others who express concern about your safety within the relationship
• Avoid people or places because your partner has told you to do so
• Feel depressed or anxious at the thought of seeing or hearing from your partner
• Change the way you dress, the food you eat, how much you weigh, or anything else about your physical appearance because your partner has told you to do so
• Change short- and long-term plans to be with your partner because you feel obligated or afraid not to

WHAT TO DO IF YOU THINK YOU ARE IN A RELATIONSHIP WITH AN ABUSIVE PARTNER

If you think you might be in a relationship with someone who is abusing you in any way, please know you are not alone and support is available on campus and in the community. You can:

• Contact SAFE Project (a confidential local victim service provider), Dean of Students office, UWPD or the Title IX Coordinatorr to discuss what we can do to support you. 
• Create a safety plan and think about discussing it with someone you trust, SAFE Project, or the Dean of Students Office.  Whether you are still in a relationship with your partner or have broken up, it is helpful to have a plan. For help creating your own safety plan contact SAFE Project, the Dean of Students office, UWPD, or EORR/Title IX.
• The Dean of Students Office can provide referrals to resources to on and off-campus support, review safety measures, provide academic support, address on-campus safety concerns (in collaboration with SAFE Project, UWPD, EORR/Tile IX), access to the Survivor Emergency Fund, possible housing relocation on campus, No Contact directives, and many other supportive measures.